So, you've read about it or heard me banging my pots and pans about bringing a new incarnation of my one-man show The Gospel According to Josh back to New York City Off-Broadway on May 16, 2014. We’re doing it as a benefit for suicide prevention and mental health services. To commemorate this, and to show that it's not just about suicide but has some quirky and fun bits to it, I wanted to share with you a piece of the new script. This following segment comes just after I made my television debut on The Maury Povich Show at the age 19. I hope you enjoy… and I hope to see you in May :)
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NARRATOR JOSH
As soon I got back into the real world, I realized that serving Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s at 3 am was not going to afford me the life I wanted so I quit. And because since Spielberg may have lost my phone number, I had to start going back to the city to make something happen for myself, so I went in for everything I could: theatre, cruise ships, theme parks, hand models—I even auditioned to be a high school team mascot which I didn’t get because I couldn’t fit into their aardvark suit.
One day I saw a posting for a new film that took place in a post apocalyptic New Jersey. It was starring a few no name, up and coming WWF wrestlers and it paid. I answered the ad with a picture and resume and got an almost immediate response from the director saying I’d be perfect for the role of a half man half monkey who runs the prison that holds the wrestlers and then goes crazy. He said it would be great if I could meet him in North Jersey at the Dover train station near his mother’s house. We would discuss me and the film and how I fit in. I said yes, and later that week I got on a train to go north and meet with this director. When I got there, I was met by a man who was pockmarked, a little glassy eyed, and had a mullet. He never spoke above a loud whisper.
MULLET MAN
Nice to meet you Joshua. We’re going to take a ride to Hopatcong park where we’re going to film the movie.
NARRATOR JOSH
I was a little nervous but the car ride there wasn’t too bad. We talked about me, and what I was doing. We spoke about his wrestler friends who were going to be in his movie and how he got into filmmaking. When we got there, he said we should take a walk deep into the forest. So we did and it was there he told me it was time to audition for the film.
MULLET MAN
Ok Joshua basically your character is half man and half monkey and goes nuts in the film, because he loves the taste of human flesh. So here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to get on the ground and lay down and you have to get on top of me and pretend that you’re eating my face off and ripping away my body parts, and you have to be convincing.
JOSH
Can’t I just do a monologue?
MULLET MAN
No! It has to be this. I need to see if you can handle this; if you have the chops for it.
NARRATOR JOSH
And then he got on the ground and laid on his back, closed his eyes and a little smile came across his face and I thought man this is really weird...but shoot, man I want to be in a film with wrestlers. So I got on the ground and pretended to gnaw at his face and rip his limbs off and went to town on that dude for about five minutes. After I was done he thanked me, said I did a great job, and took me for ice cream at Friendly’s for some Rocky Road. Then he sent me back to the train station. While on the train going home, I was pleased with how the day went until I got to the Elizabeth stop where I realized that he was probably never going to call me. And he didn’t. I still wonder if that qualifies as my first sexual experience—God I hope not…
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